Yeah, I'd love a noon facialwith David.
Okay, is Lisa P. available?Manicure, pedicure?
No, it has to be Lisa P.
I'll take any appointmentavailable.
Oh, yeah, Lisa M. is fine.
No, I will not see Philippe.
Phillippe hurt me once and Ithink I complained about that.
Kegels?
Hmm...
Disgusting.
What are you guystalking about?
Yeah, hi.
I can't come in today.
Well, then I quit.
Do you wax?
Okay... how's the assholereshaping?
Should I get adiamond or a heart?
A four-leaf clover.
I need all the luck I can get.
Shit.
Oh, hi! I thoughtyou were coming later.
Do you want to have sex with me?I do.
Ugh...
Oh.
Come on, bitch.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, so you getoff holidays?
♪
Sync && corrections by XhmikosRwww.addic7ed.com
Nothing's changed,everything is exactly the same.
I get acupuncture now.
That's a fancy, like, richerperson thing, right?
Thank you.She goes, "nice."
I know, right?Acupuncture.
I go to a nicer waxing place.
A place where they, like,change the paper.
I'm like, whoa!
Am I the duchessof Deutschland?
Like, how...
There's, like, no bloodon the paper.
I'm like, whoa,what do I owe this...
Make an acceptance speech.
Acupuncture, waxing.
Just like paying for moreAsian people to hurt me.
That's what happens.
That's what happenswith money.
♪
Welcome to "Who's More OverTheir Ex?"
The game show where twocontestants compete to prove
they're doing totally fine.
Let's meet our players,Amy and Julian.
Come on out, guys.
Welcome to the show.No.
Amy, tell us about yourrelationship.
Oh, well, actually Aiden and Iaren't broken up-broken up.
We're just kind of on hiatusbecause he made out with
somebody at a party in front ofme, and I totally overreacted.
I tried to apologize,but it was too late.
I already made thingssuper weird.
Pathetic.Julian.
Oh... story'sa little different.
I was about to proposeto Maggie.
Who wouldn't, right?
And then she, uh, decidedto move to San Francisco.
But it's cool.
I have my own things going on,you know what I mean?
I developed this newsocial networking app.
It's called Klooper.
And you'll be hearingabout it.
No, I won't.Let's play!
Contestants, you will now receivea phone call from your ex.
Whoever holds out the longestwithout picking up plays first.
He looks like Aiden.
Not even remotely.
Remember, all you haveto do is nothing.
You just have to havean ounce of dignity.
Hey, are you in town or--
You fool, it was me.
Is she--Is she with you?
No, she's not with me,she's in San Francisco
having the time of her life.
You're with me in this room.
Amy, you've got controlof the board.
Hit that buttonto select your challenge.
"Mutual Friend!"
Okay, Amy, your challenge is
to have a conversationwith a mutual friend of Aiden's
and not ask about him.
Let's bring out yourfriend Melanie.
- Hey, Mel.- Hey.
What's up?
- Nothing... hung over.- Ugh.
What'd you get intolast night?
Oh, popcorn at home.You?
Some party in Greenpoint.
Did you go with Kelly or...
Yeah.
Was Aiden there?
- Yeah.- Okay, what was his vibe like?
- Like, did he seem sad or--- Disappointing.
All right, Julian,you've got control.
Hit that button.
"Change Your Status!"
Okay, Julian, your challengeis simply to change
your onlinerelationship status.
Okay, piece of cake.
No problem.
We're just gonnachange that to
"It's Complicated."
- Hear me out.- Nothing complicated about it.
You are alone, Julian.Amy, hit that button.
"No Excuses!"All right, Amy,
your challenge is to heara piece of information
that could be used as anexcuse to reach out to your ex
and not act on it.
Oh. Not a problem.
It shouldn't be,but here we are.
"There was a fire four blocksand two avenues away
from Aiden's house yesterday."
The thing with this particularone is that he walks to work
that way sometimes,so I feel like
I should probably juststep out and call him
and make sure he's okay.
Actually, you knowhe's okay because
he was at that partyin Greenpoint.
You really need topull yourself together,
you're embarrassingyourself on television.
All right, it's time to playthe final round.
Contestants, please step intothe nostalgia chamber.
♪
Your challenge isto hear the song
"I Can't Make You Love Me"by Bonnie Raitt
and not cry or eat carrot cake--are you ready?
Uh, can we doa different song?
No.
Play the song.
♪
Julian's crying and eating cake.
Amy, that makes you our winner!Step on out of there!
Congratulations,your prize is Aiden.
You win your ex back, Amy.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Baby, I missed you so much!
Ooh, sorry, Amy, but that wasyour final test.
You're not over your ex.
- What?- Tough break.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Julian, you don't win either.
Nobody wins.There's no way to win this game.
Well, that's all the timewe have.
Tina, if you're watching,give me a call anytime.
Fuck you, I love you--this is all for you!
♪
They're just like us.
Olivia Munn's cute.
She's pretty.Don't you think she's pretty?
Yeah, she's cute.
Yeah.
Channing Tatum hasa new movie coming out.
He's so hot.You think he's hot?
I wouldn't know.
Seriously?
You think it makes you gay toacknowledge that a guy's hot?
I-- I can't tell,I like girls, all right?
Yeah, but come on,you can just admit that.
Can we just drop it?
Fine.
But I mean, you see nodifference between, like,
Eugene Levy andChanning Tatum?
Nope.
If they both neededmouth-to-mouth, you don't think
it would be grosserto give it to Levy?
It would be equally gross.
You're lying.
Okay, okay, you're asleep,
and you wake up to what youthink is me going down on you
but then you look next to you,and I'm laying in the bed.
And then I say, "Eugene Levy ison your penis right now."
but then you look down, andit's actually Channing Tatum.
Wouldn't you be, like, slightlyrelieved and, like, finish?
No.
But you thought it was meup until the very end.
Okay, stop making me thinkabout this, all right?
Oh, my God, you're sohomophobic.
Imagining a hot guy's moutharound your junk
doesn't all of a suddenmake you not straight.
Okay.
You're in jail, okay?
And these guys have yousurrounded in the shower,
and there's no way out of it.
You've already just given overto the fact that you are
definitely about to take itright in the butthole.
- Oh, my God.- All right?
Okay, can we please justnot talk about it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're being silly aboutsomething so meaningless.
Just listen, you're in jail.
Okay, so you'resurrounded, okay?
But they give you a choice whoyou're gonna get it from.
Four of the guysare Eugene Levy,
and they haven'tshowered in weeks.
But then there's Channing.
Beautiful, perfectly chiseled,great at dancing, Channing.
He's fresh out of the shower,
and his hair looksprofessionally done,
but you know it justfell like that.
- Amy.- What?
Just tell me you know whata handsome man looks like
and I will leave you alone.
Okay, I can see how Channing Tatummight be a little bit good-looking.
Are you happy?Jesus!
Get it.
Hey, sorry to interrupt,but I can't find my cat.
Have you seen it?
Oh.
Hey.
Wow.
- Hey.- Oh.
- Hey.- I'm John.
- Shh...- Yeah.
Okay.
I'll find your cat.
What's his name?
I'll figure it out.
Take my pants off.
Yeah, okay.
Get in there.
♪
What's your type?Like...
I like sad, skinny guyswith beards.
- Hipsters.- Who wear like--
- Yeah.- Terrible fashion sense.
- Yep.- Take your pick.
Hey.
♪
I had an idea.
A show where four womenget together to talk,
mostly abouttheir mutual friend Janelle.
Let's gab.
- Hi, hi!- Oh, they're cute, thank you.
So did everybody have anexciting weekend?
Oh, you know what?I want to start,
because Saturday I had a day.
What happened?
Well, you know, I was picking upmy new rescue puppy Simon.
Aww...
Stop.You have to rescue.
- There's no other way.- On the way home,
ran into guess who?
- Don't tell me.- Janelle.
Oh, I knew it.
- Janelle, okay?- Of course.
So we're saying goodbye, and shekisses me on both cheeks.
- Oh, my God.- Like, um, I'm sorry,
are you the duchessof Brussels all of a sudden?
Yeah, it's like, uh, USA?
Well, Amy's alreadygot us started,
so I think we shouldjust get right into it.
Our "Big Issues" segment.
Oh, people love this, love it.
Okay, I have a huge issue withJanelle's Facebook page.
- Ugh. Who doesn't?- Don't we all?
Hashtag "hope this daynever ends"?
Um, that's what days do,Janelle, they end!
And B, uh, we knowhis name's Steve.
Like, you know she justwants to say "fiancé".
- So French.- I can't.
There's something, like, offabout this dude.
Mm-hmm, something is up,something's up.
I actually really like him.
Yeah, but, like... come on.
Oh, yeah, totally.He is weird.
- Right!- He is weird.
So weird.
Well, we're onto our segment wherewe check Janelle's Instagram.
Oh, my God, this is the best.
Wow, shocker.It's about her cat again.
Like, we get it-- its furmakes it look like
it's wearing a tuxedo--who cares?
Oh, God.
Do you know that that cat,I heard, isn't even a rescue?
- Shut up.- She bought it, yeah.
- No.- I knew it.
You know where she got it?
- The mall.- She got a mall cat.
Oh, my God.That is so disgusting.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I just got a DM from Janelle.
- Oh, my God.- Should we read it?
Uh, it says, "Heard aboutthe new show, ladies.
I'm sure it's great'cause you guys are the best."
She knows I'm at work.
Like, I'm at work.
- Yeah, it's like, we're working.- We're working.
All right, you guys, stay withus, 'cause when we come back,
we'll be interviewing Janelle'spersonal trainer,
who she met with once.
At least she went.
Okay, do you want to bea part of this show?
Do you ever get annoyedwith people's posts?
- Yeah.- Like, what annoys you the most?
When people arespecifically downers.
- Like a cry for help?- Yes.
Because I'm notgonna help you.
You're the best friend.
Good afternoon.
I'm here to addressthe allegations
of inappropriatebehavior on my part.
It's amazing that in 2014,there can still be a witch hunt.
I'd like to thank everyonewho has stood by me,
especially my beautifulhusband, Trentman.
Yes, you have a question?
Can you explain the graphic photosof yourself that you tweeted?
I tweeted those photosprivately to my doctor,
who was available onlyvia direct message.
I see, so your doctor's Twitterhandle is "Hung as fuck"?
Correct.Dr. Hung.
He is Korean, and yes, myvagina's in perfect health.
Thank you for your concern.
What about the lewd textssent from your cell phone
to college-aged interns?
I-- What do you consider lewd?
"Your dick,my mouth right now."
Okay, that was anautocorrect issue.
Now, I'd like to focuson the work I've done
since I've been in office.
Have there been some scandals?Yes.
Have I done a good job?
No.
Well, that's why I needanother term.
Why did you send the guy aninvite to your pussy on Facebook?
That was a misunderstanding.I'm new to Facebook.
You put "invite"and then "pussy".
I mean, how confusing is that?
Would you comment, please,on allegations
that you were seen coming outof Slayer's dressing room
with your faceand hair covered
in what appeared to betapioca pudding?
Um... no.
We were going throughyour old yearbook,
and can you clarifyyour senior quote,
"Where you see a fist,I see a comfortable chair"?
I at this time would liketo take the last question.
Is anything related to notwhat you just asked?
Yes?
Yes, what about allegationsyou had sexual relations
with Chris Christie's dog walkerwhile on government property?
That wasn't a dog, that was aprostitute, and it was at my gym.
Okay, well, looks like youcaught your witch, all right?
This is just a case ofslut-shaming.
This slut is not ashamed.
Especially of the perfectpuss pic I tweeted?
You're welcome!You are welcome!
There are more wherethat came from, okay?
If you're lucky, you'llcatch another glimpse.
At this time, if anybodyhas any further questions,
you can address them to mycampaign manager... Damone.
Isn't that right, Damone?
That's it for questionsfor the congresswoman.
Her husband will makea brief statement
while I talk to thecongresswoman in private.
I just want to say that I lovemy wife and I'm standing by her.
Our private life isjust that, private,
and I don't think thatshe should be punished
just because of the perfect pussypicture that you guys published.
Thank you.
♪
Would you vote for someone ifyou knew they had a sex scandal?
It depends on the natureof the sex scandal.
- A handy in a library.- Oh, definitely.
In front of their kids.Let me finish.
Oh...
But the kids are blind.
Oh, okay.
It depends on the scandal,but in general, no.
You don't carewho they ejac'd on?
No, not in general.
Let's play "Fuck Marry Kill".
- Okay.- Clinton, Weiner, Me.
I'd fuck you, marry Clinton,and kill Weiner.
Thank you?
♪
I'm gonna bring out someonewho is my absolute favorite
live performer of all time.
If you saw season one,you saw her.
Give it up for the one,the only Bridget Everett!
Hit the track!
This song goes out toanybody with a pussy.
And I'm not talkingabout a vagina,
I'm talking about a pussy!
♪ There he was justa-standing on the street ♪
♪ With them lazy blue eyes ♪
♪ Was he looking back at me ♪
♪ I said boy where you going ♪
♪ Don't care where you been ♪
♪ You wanna drink,fuck and love ♪
♪ It's a win win win ♪
♪ I can tell by the wayyou walk ♪
♪ What you gonna do with me ♪
♪ I can tell by the wayyou talk ♪
♪ You're gonna give it to me ♪
♪ So please take my number ♪
♪ I'll tell you where I live ♪
♪ Gonna leave the light on ♪
♪ Give give give ♪
♪ What I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
♪ Hot sweet and sticky ♪
♪ Like Mrs. Buttersworth ♪
♪ Lick your fingersstick it in ♪
♪ And get your money's worth ♪
♪ You're a big tough daddywith a loaded gun ♪
♪ Whip it out, slap it downand let your motor run ♪
♪ I'm gonna let itlet it rip ♪
♪ To the tippy-tippy top ♪
♪ Shit starts popping ♪
♪ Ain't no wayto make it stop ♪
♪ Oh what I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to get thatdick in my mouth ♪
♪ Yeah what I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
♪
♪ This kitty is hungry ♪
♪ Give her her ball ♪
♪ Pop into the centerof this Tootsie Roll ♪
♪ I'll say one more thing ♪
♪ And then I'll be done ♪
♪ Put your ♪
♪ In my hot dark oven ♪
♪ Oh what I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
Everybody!
♪ What I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
Y'all say it!
♪ What I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
♪ What I, what I ♪
♪ What I gotta do ♪
♪ What I gotta do to getthat dick in my mouth ♪
New York City!
Ladies and gentlemen, CarmineCovelli and Adam Horovitz!
♪
Uh, would you care to comment onthe video surfacing on TMZ
that reportedly shows youdrinking vodka
and queefing "Gangnam Style"?
Yeah, can you please address
the recently deleted tweetfrom your account,
"Another day,another Valtrex, L-O-L"?
Do you deny your high schoolroommate's allegations
that you strung30 billiard balls together
and claimed they wereanal beads?
I have a couple more.
So easy.
Mmm, magic.